Friday 20 January 2012

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A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z

Year:1998
Country of origin:USA
Director:Brett Ratner
Genre:Like squeezing a boil on the tip of your member until it really, really hurts.
Starring:Jackie Chan, Chris Tucker, Chris Penn
Rating:1/5
IMDB link:http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0120812/
Tagline:Two cops. One is all talk. The other is all action.
Favourite line:None worth mentioning

I've got a confession to make.
There is one film on this website that I have reviewed without actually seeing the movie.
What's that?
Yes, it's true.
Is it Blood Sucking Freaks? No, saw that, loved it.
Could it be Bloodsisters of Lesbian Sin? No, it's not that either, saw it, was utterly appalled.
It was Transformers 2: Reuseage of the Swollen.
And, shock of shocks, here's another.
I'm going to write this review, even though I've never seen the film.
Though I did try.
I started the fucking thing playing, watched the opening sequences as Chan spoke in Chinese and performed a few stunts on a street as an undercover cop and thought, hey, this looks a bit watered down, but it could be OK. I managed to get through the first 'board room' sequence where we meet Mr. Han and another swarthy looking fella who was clearly a crook. I got through all of that just fine.
Then Chris Tucker turned up.
And started speaking.
And started playing the foo'.
And danced after shooting someone as some cheesy incidental music kicked in to match his moves and I thought, you know what, this is so utterly, truly worthless as a viewing experience I'm just going to turn it off.
Despite the massive success.
Despite the decent reviews.
Despite the fact that it features Jackie Chan, a male I freely admit to finding more than a little arousing.
Despite all those things, it had to go.
Insufferable beyond belief, the performance of one man destroyed any credibility this movie may have had.
Unendurable from the moment he appears, I simply could not suffer him a second longer.
I pressed stop.
I've seen this movie compared, more than once, to Lethal Weapon. This is to Lethal Weapon what The Very Hungry Caterpillar is to a Clive Barker novel. Dreadful in comparison if you are over the age of 5.
If you haven't seen this yet, but are interested in the works of Jackie Chan, do yourself a favour and don't even press start in the first instance.
Even Jackie, for all his gamboling, cheeky chappy, chop-socky brilliance is not worth this.
Truly, truly awful.

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