Thursday 12 January 2012

Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen

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Year:2009
Country of origin:USA
Director:Michael Bay
Genre:Throwing pus at a cinema screen.
Starring:Shia LaBeouf, Megan Fox, Josh Duhamel, John Turturro
Rating:1/5
IMDB link:http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1055369/
Tagline:Revenge is coming.
Favourite line:None worth mentioning

Shia The Beef returns for a second bout of giant robots hitting each other very hard and you can guarantee, with Michael Bay on directorial duties yet again, this will be an absolute shitfest in every way imaginable.
And it is.
Boy oh boy, it really fucking is.

The plot:
Back in the mists of time, some really big robots known as Dynasty of Primes travelled from world to world, draining all energy from the planets and......Jesus, who gives a flying one.

Michael Bay is an astonishing director, though not in any positive sense. His entire back catalogue consists of nothing other than loud, crass, unbearably bloated fodder for the wilfully deluded. Seriously, if you pay money to go see a Michael Bay movie and walk out thinking it was 'a bit rubbish' you have only yourself to blame. Worse, by committing such an act of unbridled foolishness, you simply increase the odds of another studio executive giving the green light to yet more of his 'projects,' some kind of code-word for spunking $300 million away on utter, utter shite such as this. As for the racism, please, don't get me started.
My review of the first movie complained about the ridiculous stereotyping of young black men, but this one elevates the apparent hostility that Bay feels towards his none caucasian brothers with a pair of robots that are a grisly caricature of African Americans. Seriously, I half expected them to start jiving on our asses.
If you have any shred of decency in your body and were thinking of going to see this movie, please don't.
Don't encourage the motherfucker.
And it's long.
Christ on toast, it's long, a whopping 149 minutes.
Let me put that into some kind of context for you: Goodfellas, a movie charting the life of Henry Hill, gangster, from his early childhood through to his eventual involvement in the Witness Protection Program, spanning some 35 years of his life is 146 minutes long.
Transformers 2, a movie about robots hitting each other is three minutes longer.
God spare us all.

NOTE - I have not seen this movie, but feel it is my moral duty to put people off this putrid pus pile. Maybe somebody at a particularly low time in their life, perhaps someone whose girlfriend has just dumped them and thinks, what the hell. I just can't bear the thought of somebody inflicting yet more misery on their already troubled life.
Don't do it, John.
Don't do it.
It's just not worth it.
Blow your worthless fucking brains out with a 12 gauge instead. It'll be less painful than this movie.
NOTE - This is the only movie on the site I have not seen. All other reviews are reliable. Honest.

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