Dark Shadows

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A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z

Year:	2012
Country of origin:	USA
Director:	Tim Burton
Genre:	Silly horror homage
Starring:	Johnny Depp, Michelle Pfeiffer, Eva Green, Jackie Earle Haley, Helena Bonham Carter, Jonny Lee Miller, Chloë Grace Moretz
Rating:	2/5
IMDB link:	http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1077368/
Tagline:	Strange is relative
Favourite line:	None worth mentioning

Tim Burton’s modernisation of a barely remembered gothic soap opera.

The plot:
Meet Barnabas Collins. Erstwhile heir to the Collins family estate, instead he found himself entombed. After spurning the advances of a woman he did not realise to be a witch, Barnabas committed the unforgivable crime of falling for another.
Enraged, the witch, Angelique, gains her revenge by slaying his lover, vampirising Barnabas and entombing him, chained in a coffin.
196 years later, the Collins family has fallen on harder times, their fortune dwindling. As luck would have it, some building work uncovers Barnabas’ coffin and he is freed, to return to the family home, to reclaim their fortune.
But Angelique still hasn’t forgotten about the vampire who spurned her for a lowly human…..

This is a real mess.
Tonally, this sways hither and thither, no clear clue as to whether it wants to be a comedy, a drama or a horror.
In the end, its none of the above.
The comedy is way too broad – I laughed once. A joke about Alice Cooper being a really ugly woman. That was as good as it gets.
The drama is none existent. This I a tale of two family run businesses trying to dominate the seafood industry in their neck of the woods. Frankly, who fucking cares?
The horror? Well, it’s a 12a, so it was never going to be too intense but, I’ll say this for it: At least here we have a vampire that does what a vampire should do. You know, kill people. Not swanning around with their tops off making come hither eyes at barely pubescent emo chicks. This fucker drinks blood, too. Who’d have thought it?
Not much by way of recommendation here, save Johnny Depp’s performance as the lead. He really is quite something. A physical performer, here he truly embodies the role. As with Edward Scissorhands and, though the movies are ghastly, the character of Jack Sparrow, he is one of the few actors able to create a complete character, from scratch. It’s not method acting, as he is not living a lifestyle, or being someone that actually exists. He’s creating this shit from his own mind, so well done, Sir.
Burton is a director that seems to disappoint consistently these days, and this is no different. Honestly can’t remember the last movie of his I actually enjoyed. Maybe Mars Attacks! Well, I’ve pretty much given up on him after this.
Too silly.
Too tame.
Too little of interest.
Give it up, Tim, it’s just getting embarrassing.