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A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z

Year:	1989
Country of origin:	USA
Director:	Rowdy Herrington
Genre:	Woeful actioner
Starring:	Patrick Swayze, Kelly Lynch, Sam Elliott, Ben Gazzara
Rating:	1/5
IMDB link:	http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0098206/
Tagline:	Dalton lives like a loner, fights like a professional. And loves like there's no tomorrow.
Favourite line:	None worth mentioning

Second of Patrick Swayze’s big four.

The plot:
Dalton (Swayze) is a bouncer. But not just any old bouncer. Oh no. He’s the best.
Lured away from his current employment by the offer of big bucks, Dalton moves to a town called Jasper, where he takes control of the security at the Double Deuce bar, a place renowned for gambling, nudity and fighting.
Initially resistant, the security team soon learn that by following his rules, the place will be cleaned up.
But one man in town doesn’t like the thought of change. Wealthy businessman Brad Wesley has made his fortune exploiting the people of Jasper, and Dalton’s clean up plan somehow threatens his position (quite how is never truly explained).
So, who will win?
Dalton or the businessman?
Erm….it’s Dalton, folks.
Obviously.

Not quite the worst film I’ve ever seen – that accolade is still held by the epically awful Troll 2, which itself is only marginally worse than Troll – but certainly right up there.
Listen, I don’t wish to speak ill of the dead, but Patrick Swayze was a bit shit, wasn’t he? Dirty Dancing, Point Break, Ghost and this steaming pool of something ghastly’s leavings, that’s a poor, poor offering from someone so well known.
Here, his performance sparkles with all the charisma and screen presence of Sunday morning vomit, but I can’t say I blame him for not really trying. The material he was given to work with is so shockingly bad, he can only have agreed to do it for the cash being offered.
It’s like a really dreadful TV movie.
The fight scenes, though reasonably frequent, are truly laughable in their execution. And this is 1989, more than a decade after Bruce Lee, and the same year that Kickboxer came out, so there’s really no excuse.
The acting throughout is uniformly terrible, Swayze’s already mentioned, though he is far from the worst of the bunch.
The characters go beyond one dimensional and verge on the non-existent, falling into one of three categories: men, women and Swayze.
Men – thick, only interested in beer, breasts and fighting. Operate under some misguided notion of honour and pride. Omertà, I think it’s known in Mafia circles. Pricks, one and all.
Women – Mere sperm vessels, to be ogled at, fucked and made to dance provocatively. Objectified, they are essentially just tits on legs. It’s horrid.
Swayze – Thoughtful and introspective. Though he’s a bouncer, he also has a degree in philosophy. Yeah, right.
The script is so bad it must have been submitted as a joke, only for the writer to be shocked when it was accepted, and includes lines as sophisticated as ’be nice until you don’t need to be nice’, ‘I’m gonna take you down’, ‘Prepare to die,’ and ‘I really care for you, Dalton.’
It was an 18 certificate on release but, honestly, it feels more like a movie made for children than actual, fully functioning adults.
If you have seen this, I’d like you to name five films that are worse.
If you haven’t, I’d advise continued avoidance.
Truly, truly awful.