Tuesday, 18 September 2012


Smell the Movies
Smell the TV


Country of origin:UK / Bulgaria
Director:Anthony Hickox
Genre:Seagal woefulness
Starring:Steven Seagal, William Hope, Christine Adams, Vinnie Jones
IMDB link:http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0416243/
Tagline:He found the enemy... on the wrong side.
Favourite line:None worth mentioning

My first Steven Seagal movie and, rest assured, it will be the last.

The plot:
Cody (Steven the Gaul) is a mercenary, hired by the US government to do its dirty work. When a mission he s in charge of goes horribly wrong, Cody is imprisoned. Several years later, with a new menace on the horizon, the US authorities realise only one man can help them and, no, it’s not Long Cord Man Slamme.
Step forward Cody, reluctantly drafted to the frontline once more, this time round to rescue a team of operatives who have been kidnapped in Uruguay, and ‘altered’ by means of a mind control device – I shit you not.
Can Cody get to the team in time?
Will they escape on a nuclear submarine and wind up stranded at the bottom of the ocean?
And can anyone explain the precise geographical origin of Steven the Gaul’s accent of choice?

Firstly, an explanation is in order. Having never seen a Steven the Gaul movie, it seemed one had to be endured in order to formulate a genuine opinion. This one was selected as the director, Anthony Hickox, has actually made some decent horror movies – Waxwork, Hellraiser III and Full Eclipse.
This, however, is not one of his better offerings.
Firstly, let’s deal with the positives.
Right, now that’s out of the way, let’s engage night vision, lock on target, and go to fucking town.
The plot: it’s abject nonsense. It begins with a vague sci-fi concept – mind-control – with some pretty cool effects to back it up, then goes precisely nowhere with it.
The script. It’s laughable. The dialogue is so bad, I swear some of the actors were smirking as they delivered them, unable to believe that they were actually being paid to say this shit.
The action. It’s feeble. Just a load of running around, pointing guns unconvincingly, the bad guys missing the target every time, the good guys dead eyed dicks seemingly incapable of missing.
Then there’s ‘the talent.’
The scene when Steven the Gaul enters is nothing short of hilarious, as we get a cut-away to his big, round face, grimacing. Though I think he’s pitching for simmering intensity, instead he just looks like a man who badly needs a shit. How this man is any form of movie star is a genuine fucking mystery.
He can’t act. Of course he can’t, but that’s not really his shtick. He is labelled an ‘action man’ but he can barely fucking move. He lumbers around, slowly, occasionally giving it the old shit-grimace, almost immobile save for his eyebrows.
Then there’s his face. It’s like it’s made out of plasticine. He looks like a slightly less animated version of Morph, with a bit of facial hair stuck on for added realism.
He can’t speak Words mumble from his big, fat face, barely coherent, the accent he has selected frankly bizarre, lips not truly opening. You never see his teeth, there’s so little enunciation.
Listen, Man Slamme, SchwarzeGeezer and Syllone are no method actors, but at least they can kick some arse when necessary, which is more than can be said for this useless lump of flesh, clearly two stone over-weight.
I wish I could say it entertained through it’s awfulness, I really do, but no such luck. Proper diabolical, this one.
Avoid at all costs.

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