Sunday 30 October 2011

The Wicker Man (2006)

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Year:2006
Country of origin:USA / Germany / Canada
Director:Neil LaBute
Genre:An abomination of a remake
Starring:Nicolas Cage, Ellen Burstyn, Kate Beahan
Rating:1/5
IMDB link:http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0450345/
Tagline:Some Sacrifices Must Be Made
Favourite line:None worth mentioning

Jesus suffering buggery, this is so mind-crushingly appalling I very nearly hurt myself.
I was watching this travesty whilst eating a plate of pasta, and had to fight the almost overpowering urge to jab the fork I was using into the delicate tissues of my eyeballs, to spare me the trauma of the movie.
Well, against the odds I managed to resist, if only to allow me to write this review as a warning to others.
Under no circumstances watch this movie. Ever.
No matter the temptation, no matter the curiosity aroused by the majesty of the source material, no matter that cynic in your head assuring you that, despite what everyone else says, it can't be that bad.
It is that bad, and so much more besides.
The most incredible part is that the bare bones of the story remain in tact, as Nicholas Cage (I'll get on to him shortly) goes to a remote island known as Summerslsle (sic) to investigate the apparent disappearance of one of the island's children, Rowan. What he discovers upon arrival is an isolated community practicing Pagan rituals, and locals who are none too cooperative with his investigation.
Some scenes even survive all but intact: the arrival by water plane, the announcement in the pub, the unusual teachings in class, but there any similarities cease.
Nicholas Cage is reputed to have recommended this remake, so affected was he by the original, so it is astounding that he and the director should choose to strip all of the things that made the original such a masterpiece.
The most glaring and shameful omission is the soundtrack, with LaBute alleged to have stated that he would not want anyone who likes the original soundtrack to watch his movie, anyway. What an insufferable arsehole.
Gone too is the British location, as well as the concept of temptation, as Cage's Edward Malus has no Christian values to defend. The whole point of the original is that Woodward's character is a devout man and, by resisting the pleasures of the flesh presented in the form of Britt Ekland, he proves himself to be truly righteous.
Such subtleties are dispensed with here.
And as for Nic Cage, this is a performance so lacklustre you genuinely question whether this could truly be a professional actor. For a man who gets paid rather handsomely for his services, his abilities seem to be draining away with every passing year.
It's been a while since a movie angered me so - you have to go back to Transformers for that - so do yourself a favour:
Avoid this like the fucking plague.

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