Smell the Movies
Smell the TV
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z
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| Year: | 1998 |
| Country of origin: | Canada |
| Director: | Jeff Woolnough |
| Genre: | Jesus suffering torments |
| Starring: | Matt Battaglia, Chandra West, Burt Reynolds |
| Rating: | 1/5 |
| IMDB link: | http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0186655/ |
| Tagline: | Back in action and deadlier than ever! |
| Favourite line: | None worth mentioning |
Let's be honest here, my hopes for Universal Soldier 3 were not exactly high.
In fact, so low were they that even a modicum of style or verve would have been acceptable.
So, did it live down to my prejudices?
Oh, yes indeedy.
In a move so audacious, they can only be commended, the casting personnel for the movie managed to locate and hire the only man alive with less acting talent and onscreen charisma than either Long Cord Man Slamme or Dolphin Lundgren. In fact, when comparing the lead role here with Dolphin, it is hard not to bring to mind a battle of acting prowess between Meryl Streep and Jimmy Crankey, with Dolphin in the role of Streep.
Matt Battaglia, a one man slab of mahogany gurns and stammers his way through a movie so lacking in style at one point I actually broke down and wept, head falling forwards, face slapping into my bowl of Super Noodles (beef) and only able to breath by mercy of the fact that one noodle slipped up a nostril and I was able, through sheer force of will, to suck enough oxygen through the wheat construct to sustain life.
When my energy returned, mercifully, the movie had ended, the onscreen message taunting me "View Again?"
No, my friend, I commanded the V+ box, not ever again.
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