Tusk

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A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z

Year:	2014
Country of origin:	USA
Director:	Kevin Smith
Genre:	Horror comedy
Starring:	Michael Parks, Justin Long, Genesis Rodriguez, Haley Joel Osment, Johnny Depp
Rating:	1/5
IMDB link:	www.imdb.com/title/tt3099498
Tagline:	A truly transformative tale
Favourite line:	"The walrus is far more evolved than any man I've ever known. Present company included."

Kevin Smith’s latest foray into the grimy world of horror starts off so promisingly.

The plot:
Podcaster Wallace Bryton (Justin Long) heads to Canada to meet the guest of his latest episode. Upon arrival, he is irritated to discover that the inconsiderate swine has only gone and died. Resigned to leaving Canada with nothing, he happens upon a letter pinned to a toilet wall from a veteran sailor, promising to weave salty tales to anyone interested.
With no better plan, Wallace heads to the old sea-dogs’ house, only to be drugged by the seaman he encouters. Fnar fnar.
Back in America, co-host Teddy (Haley Joel ‘I see dead people’ Osment) and Wallace’s girlfriend Ally (Genesis Rodriguez) become concerned when he fails to return and, after several days without news, head to Canada themselves to try to track him down. But how were they to know what they would surely find: a man transformed into a half-human, half-walrus monster by a crazed lunatic obsessed with all things odobenidae.

With a forty five minute set-up that actually delivers some intrigue, seldom have we seen a film that nosedives so dramatically.
Wallace, as a character, is superbly portrayed, an odious, arrogant, self-important prick-shit, ego bolstered by the runaway success of his podcast. Treating all he encounters with indifference at best and, all too frequently, outright contempt, the movie actually seems to be building to something worthwhile, especially once he encounters the psychotic ex-sailor Howard Howe, played with depth and genuine significance by veteran Michael Parks. Infusing every word with menace or meaning, as required, his is a layered performance, and the chemistry between the two actors simply sizzles.
Then, something dreadful happens.
Johnny Depp turns up.
Not the Johnny Depp of twenty years ago, mind, the Donnie Brasco Depp, the Ed Wood Depp. Heck, we wouldn’t even have minded the Sleepy Hollow Depp. No, instead the post-Pirates Depp puts in an appearance, this time playing French Canadian Guy LaPointe, replete with beret and brown mackintosh – I shit you not. Fuck me, he may as well have been wearing a garland of onions around his neck for all the subtlety on show – and, frankly, from the moment he appears, the film just falls off a cliff. Scene after tortuous scene he sits there, comedy Quebecois accent to the fore, sucking away all that is good from the movie, robbing the script of any sense or merit or worth or humour or humanity. Scene after scene he gurns and flaps, striving for wit, we’re guessing, hitting only witless and unwanted.
Quite simply, his is the worst performance we have ever seen from somebody considered an established actor and, from that point onwards, the film is dead.
Over.
Done.
Irretrievable.
One actor, alone, rendering a project irreconcilable.
An astonishing feat. Seriously, you have to see it to appreciate the depths of wretchedness he plumbs.
So, what should have been a creepy, weird, Cronenberg inflected body-horror treat turned into something quite, quite dismal and, the worst thing of all? Depp is in director Kevin Smith’s next film, too.
Awful.
Just awful.