Smell the Movies
Smell the TV
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z
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| Year: | 2011 |
| Country of origin: | USA |
| Director: | Rob Marshall |
| Genre: | Piss poor pirates |
| Starring: | Johnny Depp, Penélope Cruz, Ian McShane, Geoffrey Rush |
| Rating: | 1/5 |
| IMDB link: | http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1298650/ |
| Tagline: | Piss poor pirates |
| Favourite line: | None worth mentioning |
It is getting difficult to feel angry about these films now, but I'll give it my best shot.
The plot:
Johnny Depp swaggers around in his usual faux-drunken manner, this time in a quest to reach The Fountain of Youth, only to discover that Evil Pirate Blackbeard (played with some measure of menace by the wonderfully sinister Ian McShane - the only good thing about the damned movie) and his equally distrustful daughter, played by vapid puff of air Penelope Cruz. On the way, he'll encounter Mermaids, buckle some swashes and have to jump over some barrels.
That's about it.
And what a great, clunking, tedious mess it is.
Firstly, the plot. There isn't one. It's just a series of disparate scenes strung together, with no clear purpose, no real sense of momentum and with barely coherent thought.
Secondly, the performances. There aren't any. With the clear exception of McShane who would be marvellous simply reading aloud the label of a medicine bottle. Depp is imbecilic, Cruz is so dunder-headed and inconsequential she may as well have been invisible and even Geoffrey 'I've won an Oscar, don't you know' Rush seems bored.
Thirdly, the action. It's preposterous. A series of pratfalls and whimsical 'comedy' that would bring a smite of embarrassment even to Benny Hill, this is childish gubbins that offends the intelligence of all but the most air-headed.
And this really cost $250,000,000 dollars?
The director should be appalled at his performance.
Dreadful, dreadful, dreadful film-making.
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